Sun Hill Uncovered
by MauraBarton349
Summary: Now The Bill is over, I've decided to write this, and in each chapter, a character is - well, why don't you have a look and find out? You might even like to choose the next victim... Rated T for use of crude language. Enjoy, but please don't kill me. xxx
1. The Male Slapper

**The Male Slapper**

Good **GOD!**

Where to even **START?**

Well, maybe with the fact that he is a total, utter, complete, absolute, downright, through and through **MALE WHORE!**

I mean, really? That's me comparing him to Phil Hunter! And that's saying something! As if sleeping his way around Sun Hill when he was just a PC wasn't bad enough, he then comes back as a Sergeant and sleeps his way around the station!

WHAT THE HELL?

I'm surprised he doesn't have lots of kids, with the amount of women he's shagged. Sun Hill's resident Romeo, only he never does have that much luck because he's also Sun Hill's Ladykiller. Baaaaaaaad luck for any women he gets involved with. Beware you don't so much as look him in the eye as you're likely to be doomed to die young. In fact, with all the women he's had dropping dead on him; it's a wonder that he hasn't been sectioned yet!

Oh no. Not Soldier, PC, Sergeant, Inspector, Male Whore Smith! He's had more dramas than the rest of them in that station put together! Someone's favourite torture toy much? Sigh. Where to start?

Aside from his abysmal and cursed luck on the love front, he also manages to run into some sort of deadly danger year in, year out! **WHAT THE HELL?** Does he have "DANGEROUS! SHOULD NOT BE APPROACHED, BUT FUN TO TORTURE" tattooed on his forehead? Or maybe he has a "kick me" sign on his back? With the amount of scrapes he's got himself into over the years, he probably fills up one room for his case reports alone! And don't even get me started on his inability not to play the hero all the time! Who does he think he is, Ken on his way to rescue damsel-in-distress Barbie?

HA!

Don't make me laugh! The first sign of trouble, and off he gallops in the er – area car (the closest he can get to a noble steed) and in his um – police uniform (I bet he wishes it was shining armour) to save the day!

Spare me!

He might be muscled, six feet tall and trained to use a gun, but some of us do like to fight out own battles! Even if his have-a-go-hero is the type of guy every girl has a fantasy of at some point in their life of being pulled from a burning building from, or rescued in some way.

Oh yes.

Immensely brave, smoking your-tongue-pokes-out hot and just generally fit all around. Almost your perfect man. Note I said almost. He WOULD be perfect if he wasn't such

A MALE SLAPPER!

Yeah, that's right. Here we go. Sergeant can't-keep-it-in-his-trousers Smith's many conquests. I hope you're sitting comfortably. There's too many to go into as a PC – and that's even the ones we know of! I wonder how many others there possibly could have been – actually I don't even think I want to know. Yuck, pass the sick bucket!

And as for actual serious ones – let's start with Kerry. What in God's name was he thinking? Following his dick around as per usual and not thinking that she might be vulnerable after a marriage break up? He snogged her in the station on his first day back, for Christ's sake! What sort of a start was that? Not only that, he thought it was a good idea to go along with her trying to wind up Luke Ashton? Leading someone on much, you stupid fool? And then, behaving even more like a damn slapper, he gets it on with Kerry in the area car where they were supposed to be looking out for a joyrider? Which, of course, they got caught at!

ER HELLO? DOES PROFESSIONALISM MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU, YOU STUPID MALE SLAG?

That wasn't even a relationship. That was just casual sex. Then he goes and gets jealous when she gets off with Cameron. And you can just guess what came next, couldn't you? It was practically written in the air between them. A one night stand. The closest thing to a relationship he ever had with her. And of course that ended in disaster as well; that got him accused of date rape. Ha. I bet he wished he'd kept it in his pants then. It didn't stop him loving her though, oh no. Which follows the first disaster. When the stupid pair FINALLY announce they love each other, what happens? Kerry drops dead after being shot. Nice way to end that 'relationship.' You'd think that would teach him a lesson wouldn't you. But since he's a stupid male slapper, no. It doesn't

Who does he get off with next, but the wife of a local gangster, Louise Larson? And if that's not asking for trouble, I don't know what is. Larson cut someone's fingers off for crossing him and I bet, given the chance, he'd have chopped off Sergeant Smith's balls when he found out what was going on between him and Louise. The closest he did do when he found out was kidnap him at gunpoint (of course) and give him a good hiding, before the Sun Hill crew came galloping in to save the day. Shame they couldn't foresee what happened next. The evil gangster had his wife killed and set Sergeant Smith up for the crime. Yawn. How predictable! Oh! I mean, SOB! How tragic! He was proved innocent in the end and let out to police the streets of Sun Hill – and shag more of the women. Kezia Walker, Stevie Moss, you get the idea!

Credit where credit's due, though, he is definitely the sort of officer you'd want on your side. Fiercely loyal, clever (when it's not about women) and generally just the sort of officer who can survive anything; bomb blasts, car crashes, sieges, explosions, need I go on? He's Mr. Invincible! Well, except when he's fighting with Callum. What the hell was all that about? It looked like a catfight! The way they just dumped their stuff and started grabbing at each other's shirts was just laughable. And being the best of friends with the Inspector helped (until she left). What a shame that was. Cough, cough.

Promotion to Inspector came with a hell of a lot more responsibility. It's just a shame it also came with ridiculous music and a makeover for Sun Hill. Yawn. At least he didn't lose the characteristic of checking out every woman he met. Remember Linda from the laundrette?

I rest my case.

_OK, before you all start coming after me with fire and pitchforks, let me make it clear that I actually do like Smithy (could you tell?) but I just couldn't resist writing this. And lets face it, he can't keep his hands off the women, he always does get all the action and he survives everything. i just happen to write it in a bit of a crude way, though no offence was meant to anyone. Anyway, I plan to write one chapter for each character, so now its down to you reviewers._

_Who would you like to be my next victim? _

_Hit that button below and reveal!_

_H. xx_


	2. Mr Bovvered

_Hiya! Thanks to the five people who reviewed; given how popular smithy is, I wasn't sure how many people would like it. Anyway, with the majority request, next in line for a verbal Fanfiction bashing is Max Carter. I'm not sure its as good as the last chapter was, though.  
__Enjoy.  
H. xx _

**Mr. "Bovvered"**

There always has to be one, doesn't there? SIGH

Oh on the face of it, he seemed like your ideal copper. And when they say THAT, then you just know that he'll have some sort of secret. Detective Sergeant Max Carter transferred to CID from CO19. And you just KNOW that transferring from somewhere like that must come with a story that leaves him traumatised. So here it is;

The (then) DC Carter transferred from CO19 after being involved in two separate lethal shootings of suspects. One of the shootings was Thomas Jankowski. Although both were justified killings, it was deemed sensible to transfer him out given current media attention to armed response incidents. The move was officially put down to post-traumatic stress, but his senior officers felt he had become a liability (at least some of them have brains), and offered him promotion but as his transfer came with a promotion (but you sent him to the danger zone that is Sun Hill. You idiot), he was only too happy to take it.

A highly trained marksman and very motivated, he straightaway got Terry's approval after backing him up against a senior officer when they'd only just been introduced. And just as quickly won all of CID over with his eagerness to get stuck in rather than sit behind a desk barking orders.

Ha! And you let THAT fool you? Call yourselves police officers?

He (allegedly) has a charm to him, but his smile doesn't always reach his eyes (you don't say). He is a lone ranger, (shock horror! I didn't notice) always absolutely focused on the result (well, you learn something new every day). Certain charm? Ha! Certain coldness, more like! He's Mr. Cold, cool-as-cucumber, whose one dedication, just like ever single last one of them is that damn job. His greatest strength lies (allegedly) in his mental toughness. He lives on four hours sleep and is never less than razor sharp.

Dude, rearrange "life," "get" and "a" to make a meaningful sentence!

AND ANOTHER THING. Carter, you are an utmost insensitive git! So focused on a result, does he care about offending people? Of course not. DS. Cold, Cool-as-Cucumber Carter is just a tactless, thoughtless, highly offensive copper, with a blunt and standoffish approach, and storms into his cases headfirst with, all guns blazing. What show do you think you were in Carter? Ultimate Force?

Jeez! I wouldn't mind, but he's the only one who took it waaaaaaaaaaaay to far by taking cocaine to ensure his identity stayed under wraps while working undercover? JUST HOW STUPID ARE YOU, CARTER? There's dedication, and then there's taking it too far, and YOU SIR crossed that line. Stupid bastard. Either we have officers like Kerry Young, who jump into bed with the suspects, people like Dan Casper, who take steroids to win at boxing or idiots like you who take cocaine to stay undercover and become addicted. Congratulations.

How clever. I bet they'd offer you commendation for that. Cough, cough.

Someone found out about that certain problem of course, being Terry Perkins and he simply (stupidly, more like) offered Carter THAT same ultimatum: turn himself in to DI Neil Manson, or allow him to arrest him for possession, thus ending his career. And were you "bovvered" Carter?

Simple answer?

No.

_Who should be next?_


	3. Stone Cold

_OK, big thanks to Darkness Deadly, JiggyMcCueLover, SallyandCallum, __HollyBolly-x__, __Felicity Fox__ and __JessicaStone134__. I'm glad you're liking and following the story. Again, with the majority request, next in line is Callum Stone. _

**Stone Cold**

Well this has to be one when the name is fitting. Well at least the surname anyway. The first name, Callum means "dove"

EXACTLY HOW MISLEADING IS THAT?

Doves are beautiful creatures and signs of love and peace –NONE of which fit Callum heartless Stone! In Christian art history, the dove symbolises the Holy Spirit! It's even in a bible story. What an insult! That's such a contradiction in terms and as for love and peace – ha! I don't think HE even knows how to spell them; let alone know the meaning of the words! He should have been called Lucifer. In Latin this name originally referred to the morning star, Venus, but later became associated with the chief angel who rebelled against God's rule in heaven. Even later it became associated with Satan himself. A whole lot more fitting, wouldn't you say?

As for the surname Stone – well that's just a stroke of genius. Stone Cold. Cold as Stone. Unfeeling, insensible. Well, what else are you supposed to say about a tosser who allowed someone to commit suicide right in front of himself and another PC? What sort of policing technique is that? Whoever let him through Hendon needs shooting! And he justifies THAT by saying that the man he allowed to jump to his death was a violent criminal? WHAT SORT OF JUSTICE DOES LETTING HIM TAKE THE COWARD'S WAY OUT BRING?

YOU TWAT, STONE!

Yep, this is it – Stone cold and his warped brand of justice. There's being hot tempered, a hard nut and charming – and then there's being those three things along with being Callum Stone. And that's not a good mix. See this isn't a Sergeant who has his whole team pulling together, oh no. This is a Sergeant who was, for want of a better word, shoved from his last police station for always "flying solo."

WAS THAT NOT YOUR FIRST WARNING SUN HILL? AN ALARM BELL? CALL YOURSELF ACTING INSPECTOR, DALE SMITH? HA!

You'd think the second clue would come with his little "gang." Oh no, there was no pulling together, which is what being part of the police should be about and YOU, CALLUM, YOU SLY GIT, blackmailed others for YOUR gain! Does Sally Armstrong's drink driving ring any bells for you, you MUPPET? Power hungry moron! It was a wise move when Gina Gold didn't want him promoted to her rank after she left – but she couldn't have been more wrong in her reason – she wanted him on the front line with the "team." What bollocks! He probably couldn't even spell that! The only time team means anything to YOU, Stone Cold is – well, never. Blackmail! As well as Sally, there's Smithy! Does Jason Devlin ring any bells? Persuading Smithy to lie and cover for him?

Were you reaching out your olive branch, Stone?

Yeah.

WHATEVER!

Just who the hell do you think you are, Sun Hill's answer to the caped crusader of Gotham? Just a shame you can't be as good as he was at fighting –you and Smithy fight like girls! Was pulling at each other's clothes and shoving each other around the best you could do? You may as well have brought out the fake nails and hairspray while you were at it!

Temper, temper ladies!

Keep it in check, Stone Cold! So you go and get beaten up. Again. Surprisingly enough, while actually doing your job and stepping in to stop an argument involving a drug dealer.

Annnnnnnnnnnd when you discover that the case is going to collapse, you assures Smith that he can accept this (cough, cough). In a counseling session with Nancy Faber, you tell your counselor that you blame yourself for the assault, feel that you failed everyone involved, because you let you guard slip: HARDLY A CRIME and start to think that he's in the wrong job (of course you're not) before finally admitting that you're a victim (I wonder how many people dropped dead in shock). You might be a "macho" man, Stone, but you're also human and those feelings, believe it or not are not a crime UNLIKE what you did next! You fool! YOUR idea of justice yet again is to follow said criminal when he's released and savagely beat him up? I bet that made you feel a whole heap better, especially when you managed to get yourself suspended!

Let's all give him a standing ovation!

Gotta feel sorry for him, though, when his family troubles come to light. Must have been nasty, having your Mum choose your Dad over you. If only you'd realized that you could have had a true family at Sun Hill. Buuuuuuut sadly not.

See where your flying solo got you? Sigh.


	4. Sally Who?

_Thank you to all who've read and reviewed so far. Wow, I wasn't expecting to get as many reviews as I did. Anyway SallyandCallum, since you've been asking, here's my slagging off of Sally Armstrong. Or as I call her..._

**Sally Who?**

Welcome to the first of many 'what the fuck was the point of them' character chapters. Granted, Sally Armstrong could have been a great character if she'd just had one tiny, little thing...

A GOOD STORYLINE!

For the love of god, why on earth did they bother? This probably won't even fill a whole page, I can think of soooooooooo little to write about this minor character! I wouldn't mind, but she even came in with that OH SO BORING cliché backstory of wanting a job that got her heart rate racing and something that would give her a real challenge in life.

YAWN!

HAVE YOU WRITERS GOT ABSOLUTELY NO IMAGINATION? HOW MANY TIMES, IN TWENTY FIVE YEARS WAS THAT USED?

TOO MANY!

So, Sally, we'll begin by your first day. And being in an episode entitled "Cop Killer" you just know one of the Sun Hill boys or girls in blue is doomed. The said unfortunate was Billy Rowan; your pairing for the day Sally, and fellow probationer. Who puts two probationers together anyway? Since when do two inexperienced coppers together on their FIRST DAY? Only the brainless knobs from the joke of a station that is Sun Hill. HA! You ended up seeing Billy Rowan die after his throat was slit by a vengeful father. See what happens when you throw two inexperienced officers together AND right into the deep end on their first day. It was something to leave you traumatized. For one more episode at least.

Poor Billy Rowan. Funny thing is, he's more memorable than you are Sally. Sorry.

Lets move on to your personality; aw, Sal, what a flattering description! You're an optimistic type of woman, very lively, happy to help and muck in, and enjoy a good laugh as much as the next copper. You worked to live and didn't live to work. With the pay of £30k and guys in uniform, you quickly realised there were many perks to being a copper (aw, I wonder what the main attraction was). You somehow, magically, instantaneously knew that this was you calling, the career for you. That's funny – I may be wrong, but that description of you also sounds awfully familiar...

CAN YOU NOT EVEN THINK UP DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES FOR OFFICERS? CALL YOURSELVES WRITERS? HA! YOU WRITE CHARACTERS WITH ALL THE PERSONALITY OF A GOLDFISH!

No wonder it turned into dullsville! Everyone was exactly the same, right down to their personality! All YOU WERE LOVE was a clone of Kerry Young, without the slapper tendencies! Though you'd never know what would have happened HAD you not have mysteriously disappeared along with some others in the winter of 2009. Just the same, right down to your constant disobeyal of senior officers! Remember jumping into the water to save someone? Kerry did that, too.

Passionate about policing, sometimes to the point of recklessness (wow, at last a new way to describe and officer), your excitable nature meant that you often took cases to heart and got tempted to push the boundaries (again. What originality from the genius minds of the imaginative writers). Your luck didn't exactly improve, did it Sal? You lost another colleague and friend in Emma Keane – which then led to you putting your trust in the worst one at Sun Hill – STONE COLD In the past, Stone Cold covered up you mistakes and tacitly approved some of your more maverick acts, but you never entirely comfortable with being in his debt. You silly bitch. He got you off a charge of drink driving and you think he was doing that from the goodness of his heart? HA! You think I call him Stone Cold for nothing? I bet you were glad to escape his clutches when you mysteriously disappeared along with some others in the winter of 2009. Where did you go, witness protection to get away from him?

What an utter waste of a character, let down by imaginative writers and creators. Sigh.


	5. DI Know It All

_Thanks again to everyone who reviewed! Can you guess whose turn it is to be tortured next...?_

**DI Know-It-All**

Why the hell was she so popular? Quite frankly, she irritated the hell out of me with her bloody Know-It-All ways. Welcome to the chapter of my take on Acting DI/DS/DI Samantha Nixon.

If there was ever an officer that would be the one everyone would want to stick their tongues out at (if it was DI Ferret Face's day off) then there is no doubt about it, it would be Samantha Nixon. She is fiercely intelligent and gained two university degrees; in psychology and criminology. You show off! Genuinely and academically interested on police work (at least she was and not shagging her way around the station like Sergeant Can't-Keep-It-In-His-Pants). I'll give her that. The other married DI was sleeping with a probationer; at least she didn't have those types of dirty little secrets.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Genuinely and – I've already said that, I won't bore you again, Acting DI/DS/DI Samantha 'Know-It-All' Nixon first trained in criminal profiling, but failed to be accepted into the Met's profiling team, despite being one of the most capable candidates. She suspected sexual discrimination and never quite came to terms with it. Er, GET OVER IT, LOVE! Maybe you weren't accepted cos you weren't good enough! Or maybe it was just because you're an irritating Know-It-All, who probably would have tried to run the whole unit. I suspect the latter.

If you're so interested in psychological profiling, maybe you should have used those talents of yours closer to home. Or, if I need to spell it out, to review the situation with YOUR DAUGHTER! Abigail Nixon, remember her? Geez, woman there's being dedicated, then being TOO dedicated and YOU were yet again, the latter! Credit where credit's due though, it must have been difficult being a single mother and holding down a job, but you still took your eye off the ball! She's your daughter, not your friend! SO wrapped up in your life, you were completely unprepared when it came to light that your daughter's father was a child killer. That caused quite a rift, especially as you'd originally told her that she was the result of a one-night-stand. Abigail began to resent you after that. Then she staged her own abduction with yet another person who had a grudge against you. Hugh Wallis, your university lecturer who loved you, but you rejected him. Dude, you have rubbish taste! There was no need to get so nasty though! But he did. Sigh. The Evil Profiler though, used your daughter to get back at you.

SEE? YOU SEE WHAT YOU MISSED, ACTING DI/DS/DI SAMANTHA 'KNOW-IT-ALL NIXON? THAT knocked your confidence a bit, didn't it? Maybe it was a good thing you didn't get into the Met's profiling team. You're too clever to be drawn into office politics, but not too clever to see that a double crossing scumbag was manipulating you and half of Sun Hill station? How the hell does that work? Bet you learnt your lesson after that, though. The moral of THAT story; spend more time at home and beware of people who had crushes on you. CoughPhilHunterCough. Acting DI/DS/DI Samantha 'Know-It-All' Nixon has a bit of a sad life, really. She has few real friends at Sun Hill. Really, love, get a life! You're worse than Max! Get a hobby! Play bingo! Take up bowling! Make more friends and have nights out! JUST DO SOMETHING BESIDES WORK! Or mark my words; you'll regret it when you're old and lonely! Or maybe you're already past it.

When you were demoted back to DS after DI Ferret Face joined Sun Hill in 2004, you again thought it was gender discrimination. For god's sake woman, I won't pretend that DI Ferret Face wasn't a grumpy, chauvinistic pig, but have you EVER thought that you didn't get the job cos Adam Okaro didn't think you were ready or good enough yet? No, cos the big headed cop that you are, you thought you'd get the job in a flash. Get over yourself, seriously. Becoming paranoid that DI Ferret Face was trying to drive you out of Sun Hill (which he probably was) you became desperate to prove yourself to him. Again, why bother? He wasn't worth wasting precious energy on. Just to make matters worse, he was strangely attractive to you – he was cool, calm and ambitious, everything you look for in a man. I don't know why you went for CID's male slag that was Phil Hunter! He's not even that good looking and has all the charm of a slug as well as the intelligence of a fish! Yet you managed to form this so called "relationship" that everyone is so crazy about! I don't understand it!

You got a lot of high profile cases – such as Pat Kitson, the Sun Hill serial killer who nearly throttled you in the same way she killed her victims before the team came bursting in. that's another trend that was used repeatedly over the years with – Kerry, Smithy, Andrea, Callum – I could go on, but there's not enough page space! You eventually overcame your differences with DI Ferret Face who mellowed when he fell in love – I wish he hadn't, he was so much easier to hate when he was being a bastard – and you regained your precious rank as DI and began working with him on an equal level. Everyone was gutted when you transferred to the Child Exploitation Unit.

I wasn't. I was glad to see the back of you. I still haven't forgiven you for slapping my favorite character!

You're a very strong character, but your fan base baffles me. Annoying bloody Acting DI/DS/DI Samantha 'Know-It-All' Nixon.


	6. Die, Hunter, DIE

_Hello All!_

_Apologies about the delay in updating, but thanks to all who have reviewed so far. I hope you haven't all lost interest – it's been a busy few months, but I'm back to slag off our favourite boys and girls in blue. Well, as a few people have asked, this is the moment that the torture lands on none other than..._

**Die, Hunter, DIE!**

It stands to reason really. Uniform had their own male slapper in Sergeant Dale Smith, so I guess CID had to have theirs in that arrogant, annoying DS that was Phil Hunter – as I've already said – the male officer with the intelligence of a goldfish and the charm of a slug!

Why on earth did girls (in Sun Hill and those watching) fawn so much over him? He's not THAT good looking! He's a slimy bastard who slept his way not only around the police station but the whole of Sun Hill as well! And as for his skills as a police officer? HA! What skills? He only joined the police to avoid going to jail. I wish he had gone to jail. Then I would have gone to torture him and whip him with chains, laughing as I did it! Or, even better stick him into that Hostel from the so named film, Hostel. There was the right amount of torture for him to go through in there to keep me entertained for a lifetime!

He wasn't only that great a copper; he only managed to make the odd result because it takes one to know one. He used to fancy himself as an entrepreneur with a Midas touch, but quickly realized he hadn't the flair to go the distance. I don't think he even has the brains! What on earth made him think he had the brains to become a copper, let alone a Detective Sergeant? My guess is that he shagged his way to the top with those 'oh-so-hot-looks' of his. Cough, cough. Why couldn't he have just taken the crook's life, been thrown in jail and spare us looking at his stupid, smug face for five years? Fuck you, Phil Hunter...

No pun intended.

But speaking of which...

Honestly, what the hell was the whole Huxon deal with him and Sam? It's the most ridiculous relationship imagined, and I'm comparing that to the relationship that whatever genius came up with JAM! They are about the most incompatible couple there; Gina and Smithy would have been better and she's old enough and close enough to him to be his mother! At least they had good chemistry! Sam and Phil had NONE! NADAH! ZILCH! ZERO!

He didn't stay with his wife, who he'd been married to for thirteen years, so what on earth made people think that he'd fall in love with Sam and stay faithful to her? She was an uptight cow, with only a career as DI on her mind, and he was an immature bastard who let his dick do the thinking for him! Chasing women was his favourite sport, it was staying faithful that was the difficult part for him – he didn't wear his wedding ring ever, so exactly what does that say about his so called commitment? That went about as far as trying for a baby but Phil was mortified when they discovered he was firing blanks (which was spread around the station by his brother, Steve! Tee hee hee! Thanks for the laugh, Steve!) Hunter conveniently forgot to tell his wife, though, that he already had a four year-old daughter, Madison, the product of an affair with the Christine Weaver, the wife of that so scary (cough, cough) 'gangster' Dennis Weaver. This blew apart his marriage coincided with the maturing (really?) of Phil who realised that he had responsibilities as a parent. I must have missed that then. I didn't notice any more maturity from Phil. Still motivated by his greed (dick, more like) loved women to be as fast as his cars (just as a shag for fun then) and got his kicks from dangerous living. In his eyes, having the reputation for putting it about is nearly as good as the real thing but without the danger – and that's what you call maturity? Really? Like the one time, he got out of his depth and sold his own wife. And nearly killing her in a car accident. Nice man.

See girls? Why on earth would you want to have him?

So after shooting and killing Dennis Weaver (why oh why couldn't it have been the other way around?) he goes back around his normal life at Sun Hill, completely unpunished for nearly selling out Nick Klein to save his own skin! Why couldn't Nick have come back to give him a piece of his mind? I laughed my way through the episode when Nick turned both Cindy and Christine against Phil Hunter. If you think you can juggle two women at once, Hunter, than you should be prepared to face the consequences! Though I think my favourite moment was when he was forced to go back on the beat in uniform. Oh, how the mighty fell!

Ha ha ha!

I bet that made you feel small – a small dose of the patronizing talk that YOU dished out to uniform for years! We all hoped for a bit of redemption after that, but no. You went straight back to your nasty, slimy self, leaving a slug trail wherever you went.

Someone pass me the salt!

I did a little dance all around my house when I found out that you were FINALLY buggering off and leaving us and Sun Hill in peace. I haven't missed you at all – the champagne was popped on that last episode! Bye bye Little Hunter! May you never darken the door of Sun Hill again!

Oh wait...

There isn't one to go back to.

Ha ha ha ha on your part.

Boo hoo on ours.


	7. DI Ferret Face

_Hello and greetings. I apologise most profusely for the lack of updates for the past few...months, but on account of university... I hope you forgive me and haven't lost interest. Here, I'm going to unleash my wrath on DI Neil Manson and by god how good it felt slagging him off here._

**DI Ferret Face**

I think I hated him before I started watching The Bill, just by mere description of him.

Married DI...having an affair with a probationer, who happens to be a undercover journalist, no less...the description just became more and more unflattering.

Then I began to watch the show and I hated him from the moment he stepped out of that big, posh fucking car!

GAH! I don't think there's ever been a character I wanted to slap more and when you read about how much I absolutely hate Phil Hunter, that's really saying something! I don't think I have ever, ever seen a character who is chauvinistic beyond belief!

My God, I think I could quite possibly go on for hours!

And Sam – sorry love, I know you might be desperate, but who on earth could possibly be desperate enough to find this sexist pig remotely attractive? Really? I mean, really? And Andrea! Wait until I get writing a chapter about you! What on earth were you thinking? Manson? Really? I think I'd rather date Phil Hunter! Yeah I actually do hate him that much!

So I'll calm down and start at the beginning – described as Po-faced by Jo Masters (hehehe nice one Jo!) you showed little regard or sensitivity for victims of crime. I remember the episode when you were insensitive to the point of being downright cold towards a domestic abuse victim. Sure she was planning to murder the man – who'd had her lover killed – but surely it's your duty to help people out? It seems like someone needs to go back to Hendon! This is what happens when someone is fast-tracked to the top because they have influential figures – namely the DAC – as their father-in-law! You don't spend as long in the lower ranks as you should and think you're untouchable! He certainly did.

And then there's how he treated CID, particularly the women. He certainly did make himself unpopular, especially with Eva Sharpe and Sam Nixon and most especially Jack Meadows. Maybe that isn't really a surprise, seeing as you, Ferret Fact, made it clear you were after his job. What, did you think Daddy-in-Law would wade in and throw him off, giving you the top job? How old are you, twelve? You want something, you work hard to get it, not use Daddy to bully your way around Sun Hill and get promotions.

Then again, you didn't seem very willing to accept his help when you found out that he used underage rent boys, did you? Oh no, that certainly took you down a peg or two and about time as well, and you were even more infuriated when you found out that your barrister wife knew all about it. Certainly made you more wary about whom you could trust, even if they were people in positions of power.

You're not much of a saint yourself though, are you? '_To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part_.' Do they mean anything to you at all, Ferret Face? Well they didn't seem very important to you when you jumped into bed with Andrea Dunbar, though I must admit that it was out of character for an uptight, arrogant, sexist pig like you. It makes me wonder what she ever saw in you; I wanted to give her a slap after she took you back so easily when you dumped her after Kerry found out about your affair. She should have taken that romance with Smithy further at Christmas; at least he had more to offer than sneaking around in the station and car-park dates.

Though you did seem to think she was worth more after all when you finally decided to leave your wife for her after month and months of an affair. That is, until you found out that she was an undercover journalist. Though I'll give you that anyone would be gutted to find out that their partner has betrayed them, but you left your decision to choose her after Adam Okaro's ultimatum a little too late. By the time you decided it was her you wanted and not your job, she had already been killed in a fire. Though I cried my way through that episode myself, it was probably the only time I even felt a tiny bit of sympathy for you.

That certainly made you mellow a bit and you took a few months leave only to be set up for murder. How I hoped you'd actually been convicted. I hated it even more so when you became – urgh do I really have to actually say it – nice! Arrrgh it hurt to even say it! It was nice to see some actual sensitivity for a chance, particularly in the Amy Tennant case. You had a taste of your own medicine when your son Jake went missing; he was found, but the other blow came when he moved to Spain with his mother. Well, at least that case made you more sympathetic to victim's feelings.

As mellow as you might have become, Ferret Face, my first impressions of you stick and your bullying of CID, Uniform and not to mention your petty rivalry with Jack Meadows really made me hate you and while there were certain times I felt sorry for you, most of the time I just wanted to give you a slap!

As much as I really hated Debbie McAllister, I think she pretty much put it into perspective with what she said about you; "You're like some angry, little gerbil nipping at a bulldog."

Even greater was the line; "Jack's twice the man you are, four times the copper. Think about that, while you're counting your paperclips."

Ha ha ha ha!


	8. PC He's The One this time! Honest!

_Here's the new chapter! I apologise about the delay in updating, but I hope you all like this chapter._

_Amanda - Yes, I regret to admit that he got better as time went on. Bah, bile rises in my throat just saying it! Thanks for your comments!_

_Jess - Yeah, I could never quite buy the romance with Grace, nor could I really warm to him as a character. Thanks for reviewing!_

_lovingthis - Wow, thanks for all your reviews! Yes, Sam slapped Andrea in episode 288 after the Alan Kennedy trial collapsed. I'm glad the rants make you happy. Yeah, I'd much rather go there with Phil Hunter. And when I say that, you know I really, really hate a character with a vengence._

_Brookii - Thanks for your review, glad you enjoyed the chapter._

Oh, Kerry, Kerry, Kerry.

Whatever are we going to do with you? Well, we probably can't do too much with you now – given that you're dead and all but whatever should we have done with you whilst you were alive?

Well, I guess a good kick up the backside would have sufficed. Christ, woman, I liked you as a character, but there are times when I cheerfully would have reached into the television and throttled you!

I know blondes being dim is a bit stereotypical, but God Almighty, woman, you took the biscuit! Admittedly, you weren't all stupid, but sometimes I did wonder about you!

Not that you didn't have the description of somebody I'd look for in a friend – confident, sparky, down-to-earth and upbeat but then there were your less attractive qualities – mainly your rashness, childishness and tendency to throw yourself headfirst into situations without thinking of the consequences first. And then you did that in your relationships, too.

For God's sake, woman, do you honestly think six fucking months is a long enough time to decide you want to commit to someone and marry them? What on earth is wrong with you? You wanted a 'fairy tale' romance; I'm sorry, how old are you, five? Or more to the point who the Hell are you, Honey Harman? But that's a bit of an insult to Honey, actually. Presumably she knew 'her Fletch' for more than that time before accepting any marriage proposals. I'm sorry, you don't have much of my sympathy when you found out Luke Ashton was gay; you shouldn't have jumped into a relationship with a guy you'd known for seven Goddamn fucking months! Idiot. Not that you deserved to have a miscarriage, though, that was a pretty heartbreaking episode.

Not that having your heart broken like that stopped you jumping into bed with the first person that came along. Kerry, you really are a fucking idiot! What exactly did you expect to gain from that? Smithy's hot, I'll give you that, but did a couple of shags make you feel any better? Evidently not, as you tried begging Luke to stay when he'd told you he was transferring out. Have you no self-respect at all love?

So then you jump into yet ANOTHER relationship with the next man to show you any interest – Cameron Tait. What's wrong with you, woman? Is being single really that much of a deal for you? From the perspective of a singleton, I can tell you that it's great. It's also nothing to be ashamed of, either, may I add, so why didn't you wake the fuck up, realise you're living in the 21st century where it's no longer expected of women to marry and have ten kids by the time they reach their mid-twenties?

You actually did have a great thing with Cameron – he was sweet, kind and caring – Kerry, only you would fucking complain about a man who would rent you out limos and whisk you away to a five-star-hotel for the weekend – I'm sorry, you wanted a fairy tale romance, but that wasn't fucking good enough for you? Go and get your brain tested! You certainly needed it after shagging Smithy yet again after a night out drinking. You can say that you were drunk all you want, but you looked sober enough to know what you were doing when you were snogging him outside the pub. That was your first mistake. Your second was doing it in front of Gabriel Kent.

And your third was even listening to that deranged fucking psychopath. What the fuck's the matter with you? Why, even in a hungover state, would you even consider it possible that someone as kind of Smithy would have ever raped you? You could've made things so much easier if you had just fucking TOLD Cameron that you'd slept with him, but no, being the silly bitch that you are, you went along with Gabriel's theory. Hell, anyone else would have told Kent were to go, had he even suggested Smithy could rape anyone. Oh no though, not you. You can just see what would come next though, couldn't you? It got spread around the station – your reputation got ruined – a man was killed because you and Cameron neglected your duty, and all because you didn't just say 'NO.'

Your reputation was in tatters. Your relationship with Cameron was doomed. And Gabriel Kent had you right where he wanted you. With the CCTV tape of you neglecting your duty to hold over you, he blackmailed, manipulated, and, when he found out you were going to marry Cameron, raped you himself.

Well you just carried on going downhill from there. Cameron left you, returned to Australia and you went on a path of self-destruction. And, with all due respect love, I think you were an idiot. I understand being sexually assaulted is traumatising, but what I don't fucking understand is how that makes you lose all common sense, something you actually seemed to lack throughout your time at Sun Hill! Jumping into bed with not one, but BOTH Radford brothers? Seriously? And you think that was wise, how exactly?

I don't know where this need to 'prove yourself' came from, Kerry, but if you really felt that, then surely the sensible thing to do would be to keep your head down, do as you're told and speak when you're spoken to. Oh no, though, not you. You thought bringing down the criminal family single handed would make you everybody's sweetheart again. Guess fucking what, Kerry, wrong! Notwithstanding the fact that Smithy nearly got killed because of your stupidity, you were told to keep the Hell away from them, but threw yourself in with them YET AGAIN! Were you seriously fucking convinced that what you had with David Radford was 'twu wub?' Was that not what you said about any fucking relationship you ever had? Do you ever fucking learn, woman?

You saw common sense – for once – though not before you defied all stupid stunts you pulled before and helped them plan an armed robbery. And what, you seriously thought you'd get away with that did you? Did you really expect anyone to guess what you'd been through? What, was turning into a criminal yourself really your idea of getting your head around the trauma? And here we come to yet another mistake – fair enough, you wanted to see Gabriel Kent punished for what he did to you – but you were a complete fucking idiot to gloat to him that you were going to see him brought down because you knew he was at Sun Hill under a false ID. Did you learn nothing at all the last time there was a 'secret' between you two? You do realise that if you'd kept your gob well and firmly SHUT until you'd reported him, he probably wouldn't have been able to shoot you, and go on to kill the sniper, Andrea Dunbar and later himself?

And, by the way, if you had reported him before shooting your gob off as usual, you do realise that you could have had a future with Smithy? How long that would have lasted, nobody know, because nothing lasts in Sun Hill – relationships, friendships, hey, even a drug storyline was over in the blink of an eye. Being the first episodes I ever watched, those two stick clearly in my mind of two of the saddest. At least, though, you got peace in the end, but I'm probably not alone in wishing the killer had gone behind bars instead of doing a nose-dive from a block of flats.

There was one thing about you he was right on, though – your definite flaw was the men.


End file.
